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I went through a very dark time in my life. I was chronically ill, and had surgery every 3-4 weeks. I was running up bill, and even with insurance it was eating a hole in our pocket. Some friends spoke to me and my husband because they felt it was my lack of faith that made me sick. My husband began to believe I was not sick and only wanted the attention or just used it as a cop-out so I would not have to help him build a business that we were involved in at the time.
When I would go to physical therapy there was an awesome therapist there that liked my writing, loved the work I did and was a brother in the Lord. During this time he encouraged me and believed in me and I found myself loving him. No! I’m a married woman!!! I began to talk to the Lord about this. I said “Lord, this man treats me better than my own husband and I have feelings for him!” I talked to the Lord about this for a month. And then one day the Lord showed me something.
“By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35).
Through this scripture that I had read so many times God spoke directly to my heart: “Yes you love this man and it is up to you to let it be good or sinful.”
God’s question to me was, “Why do you think it is wrong to love him? Just define how you love him. You choose to love as a friend, brother, child or husband.”
Since I really did love my husband, and most of all God, I chose to love him as a friend.
God also showed me that we are our own worst enemy. We have a hard time defining our emotions because we have not been taught the discipline wherewith to control, guide and keep them pure. “Oh I love someone, so that must be sensual!”
We do this to ourselves and I’m so glad that God gave me this tool to process my feelings. Through this I have gained a few “adopted ones” out there! Ones who for some reason or another have parents who either cannot love them appropriately or just don’t.
I’m so glad God has given me the ability to love freely, open my heart to others and actually be vulnerable. That love that He gave me has spread and healed my family. That love is powerful and supersedes the lustful and unreal love that people fall into.
Yes, I am free, free to share, free to live and free to love with the powerful healing love of God and not be ashamed or afraid. I’m glad that I have a God who showed me how to love appropriately and that those feelings He gave me are good and made for His body and are not to be squashed down, but guided and controlled. God is so good!
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